Hubby and I made a last minute decision yesterday to move from our house into the hotel room. In hindsight, we should have made the decision earlier. I was able to stay with the boys and our stuff out of the house while he did a mad clean of the place. I kind of felt like a fleeing fugative! But it worked out well, since he had duty last night, and our inspection is today.
The hotel kinda sucks. I had heard that it was okay, and maybe the newer rooms in the high rise part are okay. But considering we have a dog, they probably decided to put us in the older rooms... which reek of old cigarette smoke and is pretty yucky. In short, I wouldn't want to stay here again.
But luckily it's only until Friday night. Then we're on a plane and checking out another cheap hotel in CA. :P
Having all four of us plus the dog in one hotel room is pretty ridiculous. LB is sleeping in the pack n play, JC is sleeping in the middle of one bed, and Hubby and I are in the other bed. Puppy just sleeps wherever, but I trip on him getting up in the middle of the night to feed JC.
Can't wait to get into a house...
11/18/09
11/12/09
YESSSSSSSSSS!!!
JC slept from 8pm to 5:30am last night. YAY!!!
I didn't wake up once. Usually when he sleeps a lot, I wake up when he normally would, wondering why he wasn't crying or making noise. But last night, when he finally woke me up, I wandered into the kitchen to see that it was 5:23am. Hooray!
Hubby was already awake- he has duty today and needed to run the PRT, so it was an early day. I figured I'd try to sleep again, but JC wanted to eat and eat and eat some more. He ended up drinking an entire bottle in one sitting.
By the time Hubby got back for his shower, it was 7am. I was waking up and both boys were waking up, so we were able to drop Hubby off at work so we could have the car today.
Overall, a great day so far. And much needed, since there aren't many of them lately! :)
I didn't wake up once. Usually when he sleeps a lot, I wake up when he normally would, wondering why he wasn't crying or making noise. But last night, when he finally woke me up, I wandered into the kitchen to see that it was 5:23am. Hooray!
Hubby was already awake- he has duty today and needed to run the PRT, so it was an early day. I figured I'd try to sleep again, but JC wanted to eat and eat and eat some more. He ended up drinking an entire bottle in one sitting.
By the time Hubby got back for his shower, it was 7am. I was waking up and both boys were waking up, so we were able to drop Hubby off at work so we could have the car today.
Overall, a great day so far. And much needed, since there aren't many of them lately! :)
11/10/09
Unconditional vs. conditional love
I read an article recently about a woman whose boyfriend had told her that he desired her less because she had gained weight. She went into great detail about how she was hurt and had an anxiety attack, but eventually agreed with him, saying that it was unfair to people in general to attract a SO with their body, then deny that feeling ever existed.
I wanted to believe her. Really. I wanted to think that something like this could be resolved by something so easy. Losing weight is difficult, but it's not as difficult to deal with as, for example, emotional baggage or abuse. But she hit the nail on the head when she said it seemed so "conditional."
So that got me thinking: which relationships are conditional or unconditional, and should the all-important one of a SO be conditional or unconditional? I realized that her weight had little to do with her SO's feelings, and more to do with his "love" for her.
To me, unconditional love is "I care about how you feel." Conditional love is "I care about how you make me feel." It's more selfish than unconditional. Was this guy being selfish by telling his gf that he wasn't attracted to her because she had put on weight? Probably. He was thinking about himself and not her.
Which made me analyze my relationships in my life. Did I have any unconditional love?
My first thought was my family. No matter what I've done or said, they love me and tell me that and show it all the time. I feel that is unconditional love. They may not like everything I've done or said, but they make an effort to forgive and love me in spite of it.
My second thought was my friend GA. We'd been friends since middle school. There are times we have disagreed on major topics, but we've been respectful enough to express our views, listen to the other, then agree to disagree. I can't think of a time we've had a huge fight, or any time we've ever said or done something hurtful to each other. We think of each other all the time, and that I feel is also unconditional love.
Then I thought of Hubby. I wondered why I thought of him third... I always thought we had unconditional love for each other, but when I reflect back, there have been times I have felt conditionally loved. They involved major disagreements, usually about my weight, and it felt extremely similar to what the author of the article had written. So was this a bad thing, that we had unconditional love at times and conditional love at times?
At first, I thought yes, it was bad. Husbands and wives should love their SO no matter what. But these relationships are not the same as any other because of the intimacy factor. Should that necessarily change the love we receive? I don't know. But I do know that he has never put conditions on me as a person. Maybe it's okay to have conditional love on a superficial level with your SO... after all, it's not like your other relationships see you nekkid.
But what will it take for a SO to love you unconditionally? Is that only reserved for the supermodels of the world? What about the rest of us average people?
I wanted to believe her. Really. I wanted to think that something like this could be resolved by something so easy. Losing weight is difficult, but it's not as difficult to deal with as, for example, emotional baggage or abuse. But she hit the nail on the head when she said it seemed so "conditional."
So that got me thinking: which relationships are conditional or unconditional, and should the all-important one of a SO be conditional or unconditional? I realized that her weight had little to do with her SO's feelings, and more to do with his "love" for her.
To me, unconditional love is "I care about how you feel." Conditional love is "I care about how you make me feel." It's more selfish than unconditional. Was this guy being selfish by telling his gf that he wasn't attracted to her because she had put on weight? Probably. He was thinking about himself and not her.
Which made me analyze my relationships in my life. Did I have any unconditional love?
My first thought was my family. No matter what I've done or said, they love me and tell me that and show it all the time. I feel that is unconditional love. They may not like everything I've done or said, but they make an effort to forgive and love me in spite of it.
My second thought was my friend GA. We'd been friends since middle school. There are times we have disagreed on major topics, but we've been respectful enough to express our views, listen to the other, then agree to disagree. I can't think of a time we've had a huge fight, or any time we've ever said or done something hurtful to each other. We think of each other all the time, and that I feel is also unconditional love.
Then I thought of Hubby. I wondered why I thought of him third... I always thought we had unconditional love for each other, but when I reflect back, there have been times I have felt conditionally loved. They involved major disagreements, usually about my weight, and it felt extremely similar to what the author of the article had written. So was this a bad thing, that we had unconditional love at times and conditional love at times?
At first, I thought yes, it was bad. Husbands and wives should love their SO no matter what. But these relationships are not the same as any other because of the intimacy factor. Should that necessarily change the love we receive? I don't know. But I do know that he has never put conditions on me as a person. Maybe it's okay to have conditional love on a superficial level with your SO... after all, it's not like your other relationships see you nekkid.
But what will it take for a SO to love you unconditionally? Is that only reserved for the supermodels of the world? What about the rest of us average people?
11/9/09
I don't get it.
I don't understand what goes on in the world. It's too tough to figure out, which makes me frustrated.
There has been bad news around me for a little while now. My friend LL recently had a baby. He was a little bit premature, and once he was born, they discovered a few things. The most noticeable one was the fact that he didn't have a right eyeball. They also discovered a heart issue (something about the right and left ventricles having space or something), then he was put on a ventilator, then his white blood count was out of whack, and now they say he has bleeding in his brain and something about his "white matter" not developing properly.
LL is a dietician. She's a very smart, responsible person. It blows my mind that this happens to someone like that, meanwhile worthless idiots seem to have perfectly healthy babies (which they later mess up by feeding them crap and letting them sit around playing video games... but that's for a different post). It doesn't seem fair at all.
Another not-fair thing was the death of a high school classmate. He and I weren't close- in fact, we only shared one class, and that was middle school band. But my high school wasn't big, and I definitely remember him well. He was 30. Thirty! WTF?? How do things happen like this to young, healthy people? It's so sad and ridiculously unfair.
And to hear about the details of the Fort Hood murders was crazy. The guy was supposed to be a psychiatrist, when he himself needed therapy! I just don't understand it.
How do you make sense out of things like this? I drank while I was (unknowingly) pregnant with JC. I skipped my prenatal vitamins more than I'd care to admit. I've been on a military base with stressed-out soldiers. I'm almost 30 years old. So why do things happen to some people and not to others?
There has been bad news around me for a little while now. My friend LL recently had a baby. He was a little bit premature, and once he was born, they discovered a few things. The most noticeable one was the fact that he didn't have a right eyeball. They also discovered a heart issue (something about the right and left ventricles having space or something), then he was put on a ventilator, then his white blood count was out of whack, and now they say he has bleeding in his brain and something about his "white matter" not developing properly.
LL is a dietician. She's a very smart, responsible person. It blows my mind that this happens to someone like that, meanwhile worthless idiots seem to have perfectly healthy babies (which they later mess up by feeding them crap and letting them sit around playing video games... but that's for a different post). It doesn't seem fair at all.
Another not-fair thing was the death of a high school classmate. He and I weren't close- in fact, we only shared one class, and that was middle school band. But my high school wasn't big, and I definitely remember him well. He was 30. Thirty! WTF?? How do things happen like this to young, healthy people? It's so sad and ridiculously unfair.
And to hear about the details of the Fort Hood murders was crazy. The guy was supposed to be a psychiatrist, when he himself needed therapy! I just don't understand it.
How do you make sense out of things like this? I drank while I was (unknowingly) pregnant with JC. I skipped my prenatal vitamins more than I'd care to admit. I've been on a military base with stressed-out soldiers. I'm almost 30 years old. So why do things happen to some people and not to others?
11/3/09
Having a really really really shitty week
This morning, I cried for about a half hour straight. JC had gotten up for millionth time- I changed his diaper, tried to feed him, tried to give him a pacifier, tried to burp him. Nothing worked. So from 6am to 6:30, I just laid in bed sobbing.
All day yesterday, I had to yell at LB. He would scream back, he was such a grouch. He kept hitting the dog, hitting me, trying to leave the house, slamming cabinet doors, screaming for no reason. It was wearing on my nerves. I thought at least I could get some sleep, but I only slept from 12:30am to 2am, then 2:30am to 4am. JC wouldn't stop fussing after that. With LB, I would just turn the monitor off and let him whine, but since LB is a cranky toddler, I didn't want to interrupt his sleep, so I got up again and again and again to calm JC down. Besides, JC's cries are way more ear-piercing. I couldn't sleep through them if I tried.
It's really taking too much out of me. I am doing this 24/7 now and my only kid-free break is the little time at night I spend sleeping. The boys don't nap together, and with LB being an obnoxious toddler and JC being a needy infant, even if one is sleeping I don't get a moment to myself.
So it all kind of broke me this morning. I laid in my bed with JC next to me, putting the pacifier in his mouth until he spit it out again, just crying. It seems like I have to satisfy everyone else's needs, but there isn't always someone to satisfy mine. It's hard to give and give all the time.
I need to have a talk with Hubby about this. When he's home, I'm going to need to lean on him more. It's just too much to ask me to do everything when he's gone (which is most of the time), and almost everything when he's here.
All day yesterday, I had to yell at LB. He would scream back, he was such a grouch. He kept hitting the dog, hitting me, trying to leave the house, slamming cabinet doors, screaming for no reason. It was wearing on my nerves. I thought at least I could get some sleep, but I only slept from 12:30am to 2am, then 2:30am to 4am. JC wouldn't stop fussing after that. With LB, I would just turn the monitor off and let him whine, but since LB is a cranky toddler, I didn't want to interrupt his sleep, so I got up again and again and again to calm JC down. Besides, JC's cries are way more ear-piercing. I couldn't sleep through them if I tried.
It's really taking too much out of me. I am doing this 24/7 now and my only kid-free break is the little time at night I spend sleeping. The boys don't nap together, and with LB being an obnoxious toddler and JC being a needy infant, even if one is sleeping I don't get a moment to myself.
So it all kind of broke me this morning. I laid in my bed with JC next to me, putting the pacifier in his mouth until he spit it out again, just crying. It seems like I have to satisfy everyone else's needs, but there isn't always someone to satisfy mine. It's hard to give and give all the time.
I need to have a talk with Hubby about this. When he's home, I'm going to need to lean on him more. It's just too much to ask me to do everything when he's gone (which is most of the time), and almost everything when he's here.
11/2/09
Halloween
LB went trick-or-treating for the first time this year!! It was an odd place to do it, and not because it was so damn hot. Half the houses had candy sitting in a bowl on their porch. The other half had people sitting outside to hand out candy.
What happened to ringing a doorbell and saying "trick or treat"? It wasn't exactly the experience I had hoped for LB. I just hope he doesn't get confused next year when he has to ring doorbells... aw, who am I kidding, he probably won't remember this anyway.
Hubby stayed home with JC to "hand out candy", which I guess means give the entire bag to the first group of trick-or-treaters... who happened to be the kids next door to us (no lie). Now I know I'm not supposed to care what people think of me, and I'm moving away soon anyway, but it didn't sit well with me that he didn't want to hand out candy so he just gave it all to the first kids to the house, and that those kids were ones we knew. What about using it as a way to show kindness to our neighbors we DON'T know? WTF? Besides, it's Halloween- adults are supposed to give out candy to kids. I kind of felt responsible for ruining part of the rest of the kids' Halloween since we had no candy. I remember those houses and it was a bummer.
And the afternoon leading up to the big event wasn't too great either. It seemed like nobody in the house gave a sh!t about having a good Halloween except for me. Maybe I'm just more into the holidays than Hubby and the kids, but it was really frustrating, because I wanted LB to love Halloween like I did when I was a kid. But it was really difficult to do that when he wouldn't sit still to size his costume (which was ridiculously large for 18-24 month size), Hubby refused to get into the spirit at all citing he had a lot of housework to do (although he spent a lot of time on the internet instead), and JC just couldn't eat enough. Even our pumpkin sat on the counter uncarved until an hour before we left to go trick-or-treating.
It was fun when we finally got out there, but I learned a lot of lessons from this Halloween:
1. Return a costume or get another if it doesn't fit. What a pain in the ass having to cut the legs and arms off to make them the correct length.
2. Don't count on Hubby to help. Sorry Hubby, but even though I expect you pitch in when we're both home and the kids both need attention, I know sometimes you won't, so I'm just going to give up. And you "helping" by cutting the armbands too short and ruining them made it worse. Next year, I'd like to not spend fifteen minutes crying over stress.
3. USE THE WAGON. Granted, this year we had packed our wagon so we didn't have it, but next year it will be invaluable. Going at LB's glacial speed made for a long night.
4. Dress up to take the kids out. I didn't have a costume this year (didn't want to load my suitcase with crap I didn't need), but it will be fun next year when we're all dressed up. Sidenote, make sure my costume is easy, since most of the time of preparing will be spent on the kids.
Definitely not the Halloween I was expecting. Yes, it was adorable watching LB walk around in his little ninja costume, sucking on a chocolate Tootsie pop and waving bye-bye to people. But I'm used to leading up to a holiday and building excitement. This Halloween had no excitement, just stress.
Better luck next year.
What happened to ringing a doorbell and saying "trick or treat"? It wasn't exactly the experience I had hoped for LB. I just hope he doesn't get confused next year when he has to ring doorbells... aw, who am I kidding, he probably won't remember this anyway.
Hubby stayed home with JC to "hand out candy", which I guess means give the entire bag to the first group of trick-or-treaters... who happened to be the kids next door to us (no lie). Now I know I'm not supposed to care what people think of me, and I'm moving away soon anyway, but it didn't sit well with me that he didn't want to hand out candy so he just gave it all to the first kids to the house, and that those kids were ones we knew. What about using it as a way to show kindness to our neighbors we DON'T know? WTF? Besides, it's Halloween- adults are supposed to give out candy to kids. I kind of felt responsible for ruining part of the rest of the kids' Halloween since we had no candy. I remember those houses and it was a bummer.
And the afternoon leading up to the big event wasn't too great either. It seemed like nobody in the house gave a sh!t about having a good Halloween except for me. Maybe I'm just more into the holidays than Hubby and the kids, but it was really frustrating, because I wanted LB to love Halloween like I did when I was a kid. But it was really difficult to do that when he wouldn't sit still to size his costume (which was ridiculously large for 18-24 month size), Hubby refused to get into the spirit at all citing he had a lot of housework to do (although he spent a lot of time on the internet instead), and JC just couldn't eat enough. Even our pumpkin sat on the counter uncarved until an hour before we left to go trick-or-treating.
It was fun when we finally got out there, but I learned a lot of lessons from this Halloween:
1. Return a costume or get another if it doesn't fit. What a pain in the ass having to cut the legs and arms off to make them the correct length.
2. Don't count on Hubby to help. Sorry Hubby, but even though I expect you pitch in when we're both home and the kids both need attention, I know sometimes you won't, so I'm just going to give up. And you "helping" by cutting the armbands too short and ruining them made it worse. Next year, I'd like to not spend fifteen minutes crying over stress.
3. USE THE WAGON. Granted, this year we had packed our wagon so we didn't have it, but next year it will be invaluable. Going at LB's glacial speed made for a long night.
4. Dress up to take the kids out. I didn't have a costume this year (didn't want to load my suitcase with crap I didn't need), but it will be fun next year when we're all dressed up. Sidenote, make sure my costume is easy, since most of the time of preparing will be spent on the kids.
Definitely not the Halloween I was expecting. Yes, it was adorable watching LB walk around in his little ninja costume, sucking on a chocolate Tootsie pop and waving bye-bye to people. But I'm used to leading up to a holiday and building excitement. This Halloween had no excitement, just stress.
Better luck next year.
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