I'm sure 2012 will be the year of uncertainty. Long story short, lots of big changes are on the way, some we know about and maybe some we don't. My brain hurts thinking of all that we have to do these first two months, and all that will be happening after the move.
*I apologize in advance if I appear to have fallen off the face of the planet within the course of the next few months. I'm here, really. There are a bunch of things on my plate and I'm stressed, that's all.
I still can't believe 2011 is almost gone. It's been a long AND short year... if that's possible. It seems like forever ago that I was skiing in Tahoe with my brother and sister, yet it doesn't seem too long ago that we moved to CT. I already know what to expect with 2012 as far as our schedule, for the most part... I just hope that this year I can get that feeling of being settled and rooted somewhere.
I suppose I should make some resolutions... after all, isn't that what New Year's is partly about? So here goes:
1. Get healthy. I wouldn't say I'm unhealthy, but I would definitely like to reduce my body fat percentage, gain muscle (NOT easy for me), and work on my flexibility.
2. Revise my expectations. I think the majority of my stress stems from unrealistic expectations of people.
3. Take up some hobbies that are more easily accomplished with having children around. My kid-unfriendly hobbies, like practicing my flute or fussy baking (YOU, chocolate cream pie) or uninterrupted reading, will have to be done when they are in preschool or in bed. But while they are awake, I can't solely be "mommy". I need to have something for myself, but something that allows me to also tend to the boys. Hm.
4. Bake a husband-approved chocolate cream pie.
5. Save, save, save. Of course, that's an ongoing project, but since we will be living in the same spot for several years, I'd like to keep crazy couponing.
6. Put more focus on myself. Hubby pointed out the other day that I get so wrapped up in the things I feel like I have to do that I forget about myself. It's true- days will go by without so much as a shower. Just like it's not good to neglect your childrens' needs, it also not good to neglect your own. That's something that I really need to work on.
Happy 2012, everyone!
12/31/11
12/21/11
12/16/11
Milspouse Friday Fill-in #66
1. One of my New Year’s resolutions is to get into shape. I originally typed "lose weight", but honestly, I don't care if I'm size whatever, I just want to have good muscle tone and be healthy. And by working out, I think the weight thing will take care of itself.
2. One thing I’d like to happen next year is solidify a schedule to attain answer #1, meaning find child care for the boys in whatever fashion (preschool, hourly care, sitter, etc) and start participating in activities I find enjoyable again.
3. One thing I’m looking forward to next year is the move. No, I'm not happy Hubby is back on sea duty. No, I'm not looking forward to being the new kid on the block again. No, I'm not thrilled about making a second cross country move in under a year with two preschoolers. However, I'm very excited to be living in one spot for three years. I just want to be able to plan for the near future, like being able to plant flowers and enjoying them the following spring, or having some kind of annual tradition that we can actually keep, like going to the county fair. I'm a big fan of traditions- I think they strengthen a family.
4. One change I’d like to see next year is the Kardashians not being all over every single media outlet. Really, who cares about these people any more??
5. My plans for NYE include Hubby. That's the only detail I care about! But so far, I have no idea what we'll be doing.
Happy Friday everyone! I hope you are all getting ready for the holidays! Head on over to Wife of a Sailor to link up!
2. One thing I’d like to happen next year is solidify a schedule to attain answer #1, meaning find child care for the boys in whatever fashion (preschool, hourly care, sitter, etc) and start participating in activities I find enjoyable again.
3. One thing I’m looking forward to next year is the move. No, I'm not happy Hubby is back on sea duty. No, I'm not looking forward to being the new kid on the block again. No, I'm not thrilled about making a second cross country move in under a year with two preschoolers. However, I'm very excited to be living in one spot for three years. I just want to be able to plan for the near future, like being able to plant flowers and enjoying them the following spring, or having some kind of annual tradition that we can actually keep, like going to the county fair. I'm a big fan of traditions- I think they strengthen a family.
4. One change I’d like to see next year is the Kardashians not being all over every single media outlet. Really, who cares about these people any more??
5. My plans for NYE include Hubby. That's the only detail I care about! But so far, I have no idea what we'll be doing.
Happy Friday everyone! I hope you are all getting ready for the holidays! Head on over to Wife of a Sailor to link up!
12/14/11
Couponing win!
This week, I managed to score:
1. A free box of Centrum ProNutrients at CVS, valued at $10.
2. A free box of Duraflame logs at CVS, valued at $27 (they had a BOGO sale).
3. A free box of One-A-Day Men's Pro Edge Multivitamins at CVS, valued at $10.
4. A free container of Eucerin lotion at Target.
5. Three almost-free packages of Reach floss at Target.
6. An almost-free tube of Carmex lip balm at Walgreens.
Not-so-good deals were Pepto Bismol and rechargeable batteries, but they were needed. Overall, I think I saved just as much I spent, but it was work, since those batteries are flipping expensive (better for the environment, though). The vitamins will come in really handy on deployment, if Hubby hasn't used them all by then! And, of course with winter upon us, the Duraflames will most certainly be used up before we move (that's in 12 weeks, omg!!!!!).
How about everyone else? Any good deals out there?
1. A free box of Centrum ProNutrients at CVS, valued at $10.
2. A free box of Duraflame logs at CVS, valued at $27 (they had a BOGO sale).
3. A free box of One-A-Day Men's Pro Edge Multivitamins at CVS, valued at $10.
4. A free container of Eucerin lotion at Target.
5. Three almost-free packages of Reach floss at Target.
6. An almost-free tube of Carmex lip balm at Walgreens.
Not-so-good deals were Pepto Bismol and rechargeable batteries, but they were needed. Overall, I think I saved just as much I spent, but it was work, since those batteries are flipping expensive (better for the environment, though). The vitamins will come in really handy on deployment, if Hubby hasn't used them all by then! And, of course with winter upon us, the Duraflames will most certainly be used up before we move (that's in 12 weeks, omg!!!!!).
How about everyone else? Any good deals out there?
Santa's naughty list
Congrats AT&T, you've made my shit list just in time for Christmas! Go eff yourselves! :)
12/12/11
Want to do it all
I have a problem- WA is proving to be ridiculously entertaining for me, and I'm having a hard time narrowing down what to do. I want to do everything!
I know, it's a really stupid problem, and I'm thankful that's what I'm worrying about. But there's so much that I want to do when we get there:
1. Community band. I want to perform again.
2. Springboard diving lessons. The prospect of leaping off the springboard, flipping through the air, and landing headfirst into really deep water is making me drool.
3. YMCA. Not only do they have a military discount and free classes, they also have a child care on site. And, it's not that expensive.
4. Possibly find a dojo. Again, the prospect of kicking and punching people is making me drool.
5. Ski. Duh.
Of course, most of this is dependent on finding a sitter, since most of these activities are offered at night. The YMCA is probably going to be my best bet, since I can work out while the boys are being watched right in the same building. But karate, diving, and music are things that I reeeeeeeally want to do!
I'm finding it hard to realize that I actually want to do stuff. For Hubby, it's easy- I'm a SAHM. If he wants to go do something, he knows I'll be here with the kids. But I can't expect the same from him. There's no one to watch the kids if he's deployed. So I'm going to have to do some serious sitter searching after we get there.
I know, it's a really stupid problem, and I'm thankful that's what I'm worrying about. But there's so much that I want to do when we get there:
1. Community band. I want to perform again.
2. Springboard diving lessons. The prospect of leaping off the springboard, flipping through the air, and landing headfirst into really deep water is making me drool.
3. YMCA. Not only do they have a military discount and free classes, they also have a child care on site. And, it's not that expensive.
4. Possibly find a dojo. Again, the prospect of kicking and punching people is making me drool.
5. Ski. Duh.
Of course, most of this is dependent on finding a sitter, since most of these activities are offered at night. The YMCA is probably going to be my best bet, since I can work out while the boys are being watched right in the same building. But karate, diving, and music are things that I reeeeeeeally want to do!
I'm finding it hard to realize that I actually want to do stuff. For Hubby, it's easy- I'm a SAHM. If he wants to go do something, he knows I'll be here with the kids. But I can't expect the same from him. There's no one to watch the kids if he's deployed. So I'm going to have to do some serious sitter searching after we get there.
12/9/11
MFF #66
- My favorite song of the season is You're A Mean One, Mr Grinch, because I love the Grinch movie (I, however, am not a grinch- I just think it's a fantastic song) .
- Martha Stewart is someone who inspires me because she's friggin Martha. She's neurotic and a perfectionist and makes you feel inferior and hopeful at the same time .
- If I had $100,000 to give to a charity, I’d give it to the MDA... RIP, Michael. As it is, I donate to them every year, but it would be so kickass to have $100K to give to them .
- If I had a theme party, I’d make it a D-list celebrity party.... dress as your favorite has-been .
- If I had one wish for my kids/future kids/some young person I care about, it would be just be happy. I don't care what or who or where makes you happy, as long as you find it .
12/8/11
Random Thursday stuff
My boys... they are the most adorable. I love them.
There's two inches of water in my basement. There wasn't any water after Hubby fixed the gutters, but since the siding guysreplaced effed them all to hell, everything down there is wet. Hooray!
Couldn't figure out why I had been looking more and more ragged lately, until I realized that I hadn't plucked my eyebrows in over a month. Really, nothing perks up your looks like groomed brows.
I cut snowflakes out of copy paper and taped them to the windows, using Martha Stewart's folding technique. Everything that woman does is pretty amazing- they came out damn good.
Still searching for a fitting blog template... can't decide if I want to go girly, or simple, or my fave color red. Hm.
I've been a couponing fiend. At Walmart, I got two bottles of Excedrin Back & Body for free. I think I might put one in my Dad's stocking this Christmas. :)
My NJ friend Maggie & her hubby just had their first baby this week!! Can't wait to meet the little guy!
Getting my charity on and donating to a lot of causes this year. I feel very fortunate to have what I have, and I also want to teach the boys that giving is just as fun as receiving... I know, it'll be a hard lesson for two preschoolers, but someday it'll sink in... I hope.
I'm going to see the Nutcracker Saturday night. Can't wait- I haven't been to the ballet in years!
We found a house in WA. Ironically, the Nav of the blue crew & his wife are living there, and will be PCSing out just around the same time we are PCSing in, so Hubby could report to the gold crew of the same boat. Small world. Now I just need to find a good preschool, although I think it'll be hard to live up to the one LB is currently enrolled in.
Really looking forward to this Christmas! :)
Happy Random Thursday!
There's two inches of water in my basement. There wasn't any water after Hubby fixed the gutters, but since the siding guys
Couldn't figure out why I had been looking more and more ragged lately, until I realized that I hadn't plucked my eyebrows in over a month. Really, nothing perks up your looks like groomed brows.
I cut snowflakes out of copy paper and taped them to the windows, using Martha Stewart's folding technique. Everything that woman does is pretty amazing- they came out damn good.
Still searching for a fitting blog template... can't decide if I want to go girly, or simple, or my fave color red. Hm.
I've been a couponing fiend. At Walmart, I got two bottles of Excedrin Back & Body for free. I think I might put one in my Dad's stocking this Christmas. :)
My NJ friend Maggie & her hubby just had their first baby this week!! Can't wait to meet the little guy!
Getting my charity on and donating to a lot of causes this year. I feel very fortunate to have what I have, and I also want to teach the boys that giving is just as fun as receiving... I know, it'll be a hard lesson for two preschoolers, but someday it'll sink in... I hope.
I'm going to see the Nutcracker Saturday night. Can't wait- I haven't been to the ballet in years!
We found a house in WA. Ironically, the Nav of the blue crew & his wife are living there, and will be PCSing out just around the same time we are PCSing in, so Hubby could report to the gold crew of the same boat. Small world. Now I just need to find a good preschool, although I think it'll be hard to live up to the one LB is currently enrolled in.
Really looking forward to this Christmas! :)
Happy Random Thursday!
12/6/11
Pardon my laughter
LB's psych observed him at preschool today. He started the day very grouchy and very "LB-like"... I was almost thankful that he had a difficult day, so his psych could see him at his worst. And she did. As the teacher put it, "She saw a lot today!"
I had to laugh. What else can I do?
I had to laugh. What else can I do?
12/2/11
Temporary
I've revamped my blog after checking out Iron & Wine's new changes. You inspire me, Taryn! It won't stay this way, because I'm still searching for something more suitable, but for now, I'm hoping it inspires calm in me when I see it, because I sure need it! :)
Wits End
God doesn't give you anything you can't handle.
That's what people tell me. But I'm having a hard time believing it about LB because there are days when I simply want to walk away.
It was difficult to decide to post about this. I don't want people to think I don't love my son- I do. And I don't want to hear how horrible it is that I feel and think this way- I already beat myself up over it. But this little person is wrecking havoc on my life, affecting my health and my sanity and my family.
LB has been sent home early every single day from preschool since the second day. Sometimes, he'll stay a half hour out of the three hours. Other days, he'll make it two and a half hours. I've also been taking him to see a psychologist, which I initially thought was a little ridiculous, until she and the preschool director said exactly what I was thinking about him.
"I think LB is exhibiting some sensory processing disorder symptoms."
If you've never heard of it, click the link. It describes LB perfectly. And the most accurate symptom is his inconsistency in behavior, which makes it all that much harder to deal with him. Are we going to have a good day or a shitty day? Can I go run those errands, or will we be house-bound because of his insane anger and aggression? Will the blue rocket ship cart be available at the commissary, or will we have an epic meltdown because we had to take the red one? Or will he be perfectly fine with taking the red one?
I feel like I'm constantly walking on eggshells around this kid, never knowing what is going to make him blow up. Everything is a battle- clothes, personal hygiene, what activities we're going to do that day, what he eats, how he interacts with people (a biggie for him), etc. He's been this way ever since he was an infant and I'm feeling extremely burned out from it. Imagine getting shit on for four years straight and you have no idea why. There are some days when I wish I never had children in the first place, when I feel like I was definitely not cut out for this kind of parenting.
I don't necessarily wish that it was easier. I know parenting is hard, whether you have a normal kid or one with needs. I just wish I knew what to expect on a daily basis. It's pretty easy to know what to expect with JC. He'll have bad days and good days, but I generally know what to do with that. In LB's case, nothing works for him. I've tried all kinds of parenting strategies, discipline strategies, etc, and nothing is improving his behavior. In fact, some of the strategies suggested to me have actually made his outbursts worse. I can tell the preschool director is having a hard time with him, too. I get the feeling that she thinks I'm not the kind of parent that I am- she gave some parenting advice in the beginning, but hasn't said much about that when she realized that even her professional approaches won't produce the proper behavior from LB.
We're going to start occupational therapy soon, if our PCM ever takes me seriously and gets back to me. She hasn't called since October, so I finally just booked an appointment... if she won't take the time to call me, then I will waste her time with an unnecessary appointment. Definitely disappointed in the steps the medical clinic is taking to help him, and ultimately our family, out.
It sounds horrible, but I feel a lot of resentment toward LB. I know I wasn't the perfect child, but I'm a good person. I've tried to do lots of good things in life, and I feel very much cheated by having a child that wasn't as obedient as I was. I don't feel like I deserve to have a hard parenthood and am very angry that I do. I know, it's a selfish thing to think, but I just can't help myself. I've even started to think that maybe he has Aspergers syndrome. I just can't imagine why else he wouldn't be able to hold a meaningful conversation, or not care about making friends, or prefer to play alone, or is unable to name more than two people in his preschool class of 19 other kids.
When Hubby gets home, I'm usually so burned out from dealing with LB that I'm in a horrible mood. That doesn't bode well for a good marriage, but fortunately he's very understanding. And we do have some adult time after the kids are in bed, which is also a plus.
Now, this post isn't a plea for advice. I've really tried everything (besides prescription medication, which Hubby and I are not pursuing): changing his diet, consistent bedtimes, consistent routines throughout the day, positive parenting, ignoring bad behavior, offering choices, etc. I'm just posting to vent my feelings about the whole thing.
It's an understatement to say that parenting LB has been difficult. He can be a very sweet, adorable little boy, and he's bright as hell, but there's something about him that makes me want to scream, "What is wrong with you??!!" It's taken a toll on my body- I'm so infuriated by him just about every day that I'm reaching for crap to eat. I lack any energy to go to the gym after being with him all day long. And because he must destroy the house at every chance he gets, I don't get to shower often (really... I think last week, I showered once and that was because it was Thanksgiving and I knew I would be around people and didn't want to stink).
Thanks for reading, if you've made it all the way through. I just had to get it out.
That's what people tell me. But I'm having a hard time believing it about LB because there are days when I simply want to walk away.
It was difficult to decide to post about this. I don't want people to think I don't love my son- I do. And I don't want to hear how horrible it is that I feel and think this way- I already beat myself up over it. But this little person is wrecking havoc on my life, affecting my health and my sanity and my family.
LB has been sent home early every single day from preschool since the second day. Sometimes, he'll stay a half hour out of the three hours. Other days, he'll make it two and a half hours. I've also been taking him to see a psychologist, which I initially thought was a little ridiculous, until she and the preschool director said exactly what I was thinking about him.
"I think LB is exhibiting some sensory processing disorder symptoms."
If you've never heard of it, click the link. It describes LB perfectly. And the most accurate symptom is his inconsistency in behavior, which makes it all that much harder to deal with him. Are we going to have a good day or a shitty day? Can I go run those errands, or will we be house-bound because of his insane anger and aggression? Will the blue rocket ship cart be available at the commissary, or will we have an epic meltdown because we had to take the red one? Or will he be perfectly fine with taking the red one?
I feel like I'm constantly walking on eggshells around this kid, never knowing what is going to make him blow up. Everything is a battle- clothes, personal hygiene, what activities we're going to do that day, what he eats, how he interacts with people (a biggie for him), etc. He's been this way ever since he was an infant and I'm feeling extremely burned out from it. Imagine getting shit on for four years straight and you have no idea why. There are some days when I wish I never had children in the first place, when I feel like I was definitely not cut out for this kind of parenting.
I don't necessarily wish that it was easier. I know parenting is hard, whether you have a normal kid or one with needs. I just wish I knew what to expect on a daily basis. It's pretty easy to know what to expect with JC. He'll have bad days and good days, but I generally know what to do with that. In LB's case, nothing works for him. I've tried all kinds of parenting strategies, discipline strategies, etc, and nothing is improving his behavior. In fact, some of the strategies suggested to me have actually made his outbursts worse. I can tell the preschool director is having a hard time with him, too. I get the feeling that she thinks I'm not the kind of parent that I am- she gave some parenting advice in the beginning, but hasn't said much about that when she realized that even her professional approaches won't produce the proper behavior from LB.
We're going to start occupational therapy soon, if our PCM ever takes me seriously and gets back to me. She hasn't called since October, so I finally just booked an appointment... if she won't take the time to call me, then I will waste her time with an unnecessary appointment. Definitely disappointed in the steps the medical clinic is taking to help him, and ultimately our family, out.
It sounds horrible, but I feel a lot of resentment toward LB. I know I wasn't the perfect child, but I'm a good person. I've tried to do lots of good things in life, and I feel very much cheated by having a child that wasn't as obedient as I was. I don't feel like I deserve to have a hard parenthood and am very angry that I do. I know, it's a selfish thing to think, but I just can't help myself. I've even started to think that maybe he has Aspergers syndrome. I just can't imagine why else he wouldn't be able to hold a meaningful conversation, or not care about making friends, or prefer to play alone, or is unable to name more than two people in his preschool class of 19 other kids.
When Hubby gets home, I'm usually so burned out from dealing with LB that I'm in a horrible mood. That doesn't bode well for a good marriage, but fortunately he's very understanding. And we do have some adult time after the kids are in bed, which is also a plus.
Now, this post isn't a plea for advice. I've really tried everything (besides prescription medication, which Hubby and I are not pursuing): changing his diet, consistent bedtimes, consistent routines throughout the day, positive parenting, ignoring bad behavior, offering choices, etc. I'm just posting to vent my feelings about the whole thing.
It's an understatement to say that parenting LB has been difficult. He can be a very sweet, adorable little boy, and he's bright as hell, but there's something about him that makes me want to scream, "What is wrong with you??!!" It's taken a toll on my body- I'm so infuriated by him just about every day that I'm reaching for crap to eat. I lack any energy to go to the gym after being with him all day long. And because he must destroy the house at every chance he gets, I don't get to shower often (really... I think last week, I showered once and that was because it was Thanksgiving and I knew I would be around people and didn't want to stink).
Thanks for reading, if you've made it all the way through. I just had to get it out.
12/1/11
Milspouse Friday Fill-in #65
- If I could be on any reality TV show, I’d want to be on The Biggest Loser because I want to train with Jillian Michaels .
- This past Thanksgiving was not as painful as I thought it was going to be... but the chocolate cream pie DID turn out horribly .
- I’m looking forward to December because it's one step closer to PCS... I just want to live in one spot for awhile .
- One thing I’d like to accomplish this month is surprise Hubby with something... he logged into my Amazon account and found the DVD of Top Gear that I ordered for him .
- To me, winter is snow and fires and hot chocolate .
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