A friend of mine recently got rid of her son's kiddie items that he'd outgrown and was feeling a little sad and nostalgic about it. Her four year old son then told her that she could call him "sunshine" and "baby boy", even if he was all grown up and in college, then gave her a big hug.
When I heard that, I thought, wow, that kid is super sweet! Why doesn't my four year old say that? Then I remembered that LB has Aspergers, and will probably never be able to say something like that ever.
It really put things into light how different my son is. I've kind of forgotten what it's like to have a neurotypical kid, and what it's like to connect with your own flesh and blood. It makes me sad, selfishly, to think that he'll never be able to empathize with our feelings, or to understand other people's emotions. And it makes me sad for him that he'll never experience that. Of course, he'll never know the difference, so hopefully it will be easier to not know what he's missing out on.
But for me, it's just torture. He'll hug me, but it's guarded. He pulls away. He never relaxes in my arms. He'll kiss me, then wipe it away because he hates the sensation. I'm trying desperately to forget "actions speak louder than words"- I know he loves me (I think), but is unable to show it. I've seen him make strides in OT and preschool, but it's still so structured and rote. There's nothing really spontaneous and organic about his affection, and I don't think there ever will be.
I'm sorry this has been a Debbie Downer blog for the past several posts. I know I need to start seeing the silver lining to things, but I'm in a serious funk and just can't get my head out of it.
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