Wits End

God doesn't give you anything you can't handle.

That's what people tell me.  But I'm having a hard time believing it about LB because there are days when I simply want to walk away.

It was difficult to decide to post about this.  I don't want people to think I don't love my son- I do.  And I don't want to hear how horrible it is that I feel and think this way- I already beat myself up over it.  But this little person is wrecking havoc on my life, affecting my health and my sanity and my family.

LB has been sent home early every single day from preschool since the second day.  Sometimes, he'll stay a half hour out of the three hours.  Other days, he'll make it two and a half hours.  I've also been taking him to see a psychologist, which I initially thought was a little ridiculous, until she and the preschool director said exactly what I was thinking about him.

"I think LB is exhibiting some sensory processing disorder symptoms."

If you've never heard of it, click the link.   It describes LB perfectly.  And the most accurate symptom is his inconsistency in behavior, which makes it all that much harder to deal with him.  Are we going to have a good day or a shitty day?  Can I go run those errands, or will we be house-bound because of his insane anger and aggression?  Will the blue rocket ship cart be available at the commissary, or will we have an epic meltdown because we had to take the red one?  Or will he be perfectly fine with taking the red one?

I feel like I'm constantly walking on eggshells around this kid, never knowing what is going to make him blow up.  Everything is a battle- clothes, personal hygiene, what activities we're going to do that day, what he eats, how he interacts with people (a biggie for him), etc.  He's been this way ever since he was an infant and I'm feeling extremely burned out from it.  Imagine getting shit on for four years straight and you have no idea why.  There are some days when I wish I never had children in the first place, when I feel like I was definitely not cut out for this kind of parenting.

I don't necessarily wish that it was easier.  I know parenting is hard, whether you have a normal kid or one with needs.  I just wish I knew what to expect on a daily basis.  It's pretty easy to know what to expect with JC.  He'll have bad days and good days, but I generally know what to do with that.  In LB's case, nothing works for him.  I've tried all kinds of parenting strategies, discipline strategies, etc, and nothing is improving his behavior.  In fact, some of the strategies suggested to me have actually made his outbursts worse.  I can tell the preschool director is having a hard time with him, too.  I get the feeling that she thinks I'm not the kind of parent that I am- she gave some parenting advice in the beginning, but hasn't said much about that when she realized that even her professional approaches won't produce the proper behavior from LB.

We're going to start occupational therapy soon, if our PCM ever takes me seriously and gets back to me.  She hasn't called since October, so I finally just booked an appointment... if she won't take the time to call me, then I will waste her time with an unnecessary appointment.  Definitely disappointed in the steps the medical clinic is taking to help him, and ultimately our family, out. 

It sounds horrible, but I feel a lot of resentment toward LB.  I know I wasn't the perfect child, but I'm a good person.  I've tried to do lots of good things in life, and I feel very much cheated by having a child that wasn't as obedient as I was.  I don't feel like I deserve to have a hard parenthood and am very angry that I do.  I know, it's a selfish thing to think, but I just can't help myself.  I've even started to think that maybe he has Aspergers syndrome.  I just can't imagine why else he wouldn't be able to hold a meaningful conversation, or not care about making friends, or prefer to play alone, or is unable to name more than two people in his preschool class of 19 other kids.

When Hubby gets home, I'm usually so burned out from dealing with LB that I'm in a horrible mood.  That doesn't bode well for a good marriage, but fortunately he's very understanding.  And we do have some adult time after the kids are in bed, which is also a plus.

Now, this post isn't a plea for advice.  I've really tried everything (besides prescription medication, which Hubby and I are not pursuing): changing his diet, consistent bedtimes, consistent routines throughout the day, positive parenting, ignoring bad behavior, offering choices, etc.  I'm just posting to vent my feelings about the whole thing.

It's an understatement to say that parenting LB has been difficult.  He can be a very sweet, adorable little boy, and he's bright as hell, but there's something about him that makes me want to scream, "What is wrong with you??!!"  It's taken a toll on my body- I'm so infuriated by him just about every day that I'm reaching for crap to eat.  I lack any energy to go to the gym after being with him all day long.  And because he must destroy the house at every chance he gets, I don't get to shower often (really... I think last week, I showered once and that was because it was Thanksgiving and I knew I would be around people and didn't want to stink).

Thanks for reading, if you've made it all the way through.  I just had to get it out.