A friend of mine recently got rid of her son's kiddie items that he'd outgrown and was feeling a little sad and nostalgic about it. Her four year old son then told her that she could call him "sunshine" and "baby boy", even if he was all grown up and in college, then gave her a big hug.
When I heard that, I thought, wow, that kid is super sweet! Why doesn't my four year old say that? Then I remembered that LB has Aspergers, and will probably never be able to say something like that ever.
It really put things into light how different my son is. I've kind of forgotten what it's like to have a neurotypical kid, and what it's like to connect with your own flesh and blood. It makes me sad, selfishly, to think that he'll never be able to empathize with our feelings, or to understand other people's emotions. And it makes me sad for him that he'll never experience that. Of course, he'll never know the difference, so hopefully it will be easier to not know what he's missing out on.
But for me, it's just torture. He'll hug me, but it's guarded. He pulls away. He never relaxes in my arms. He'll kiss me, then wipe it away because he hates the sensation. I'm trying desperately to forget "actions speak louder than words"- I know he loves me (I think), but is unable to show it. I've seen him make strides in OT and preschool, but it's still so structured and rote. There's nothing really spontaneous and organic about his affection, and I don't think there ever will be.
I'm sorry this has been a Debbie Downer blog for the past several posts. I know I need to start seeing the silver lining to things, but I'm in a serious funk and just can't get my head out of it.
11/9/12
Am I in middle school again??
I recently got into a huge argument with my sister. No- it was more like a screaming match. Why? Because of stupid facebook. Seriously. I thought I was in the clear with facebook drama by removing friends that were going off the deep end, and I really, honestly NEVER expected her, of all people, to say what she said.
Just a little background... she (we'll call her T) has been dating this guy for over a year now. He comes to family functions and weddings and has slept over at our house. They recently went on a big around-the-world trip. They say "I love you" to each other.
I was friends with both of them on facebook. When someone accepts your friend request, I always thought it meant that you were, like, friends and all. So I commented here and there. A "it was great to see you again!" and a "I miss you guys!", nothing too in-depth, although I PMed him once, to ask his opinion on a gift I bought for T's birthday.
Just a few days ago, I received a message from T. She said that my comments to her boyfriend were "forward and suggestive". She said that because of their slow progress toward having a relationship, she was feeling uncomfortable with it.
I initially said "WHAT??!!", but thought that a phone call would clear things up. That phone call actually turned into the most ridiculous fight I've had as an adult. I knew she was dealing with some serious trust issues, but I had no idea that she would actually fabricate intentions that weren't there. She had said in her message that she wasn't saying I was doing anything intentional, but if that were true, she wouldn't take those comments as something they weren't. She told me she was having issues trusting her boyfriend around other girls and that I don't know him well enough to be saying anything to him. She also said that my comments should have included her, by tagging her or mentioning her name. I said I would de-friend her boyfriend because there's nothing else I can do to appease her, and she said that was fine, if that's what I wanted to do.
That's when I kinda blew up. No, I didn't want to delete someone, just because someone else feels upset. It was so middle school- "you have to be friends with ME, not THEM!" And the part that drove me up a wall is that she honestly thinks I'm trying to hit on her boyfriend. I asked for proof, to provide me with exactly what was said that would be offensive, and she couldn't. I told her that she has some serious issues, that this is HER problem, not mine, and that she needs to work it out on her own.... then I hung up on her. I know, that was childish, but I was boiling mad.
I just don't understand the whole thing. This is a guy that she's been dating for over a year, and she doesn't want her sister to get to know him at all? It also doesn't make any sense, because not once have I "stolen" a boyfriend from her. To be honest, I'm not as pretty as her, so it would have been impossible, even if I wanted to. I don't think I was being forward and suggestive- I didn't say anything to him that I wouldn't have said to my brother's girlfriend, or my best friend's ex-husband, or anyone for that matter.
So I deleted and blocked both of them. I'm currently not speaking to her- I feel she owes me an apology for her slander. She says that he also feels I was being suggestive, but I can't imagine why someone would take offense to me caring about them. And if that IS true, and he thinks that my comments were out of line, then the two crazies deserve each other.
Just a little background... she (we'll call her T) has been dating this guy for over a year now. He comes to family functions and weddings and has slept over at our house. They recently went on a big around-the-world trip. They say "I love you" to each other.
I was friends with both of them on facebook. When someone accepts your friend request, I always thought it meant that you were, like, friends and all. So I commented here and there. A "it was great to see you again!" and a "I miss you guys!", nothing too in-depth, although I PMed him once, to ask his opinion on a gift I bought for T's birthday.
Just a few days ago, I received a message from T. She said that my comments to her boyfriend were "forward and suggestive". She said that because of their slow progress toward having a relationship, she was feeling uncomfortable with it.
I initially said "WHAT??!!", but thought that a phone call would clear things up. That phone call actually turned into the most ridiculous fight I've had as an adult. I knew she was dealing with some serious trust issues, but I had no idea that she would actually fabricate intentions that weren't there. She had said in her message that she wasn't saying I was doing anything intentional, but if that were true, she wouldn't take those comments as something they weren't. She told me she was having issues trusting her boyfriend around other girls and that I don't know him well enough to be saying anything to him. She also said that my comments should have included her, by tagging her or mentioning her name. I said I would de-friend her boyfriend because there's nothing else I can do to appease her, and she said that was fine, if that's what I wanted to do.
That's when I kinda blew up. No, I didn't want to delete someone, just because someone else feels upset. It was so middle school- "you have to be friends with ME, not THEM!" And the part that drove me up a wall is that she honestly thinks I'm trying to hit on her boyfriend. I asked for proof, to provide me with exactly what was said that would be offensive, and she couldn't. I told her that she has some serious issues, that this is HER problem, not mine, and that she needs to work it out on her own.... then I hung up on her. I know, that was childish, but I was boiling mad.
I just don't understand the whole thing. This is a guy that she's been dating for over a year, and she doesn't want her sister to get to know him at all? It also doesn't make any sense, because not once have I "stolen" a boyfriend from her. To be honest, I'm not as pretty as her, so it would have been impossible, even if I wanted to. I don't think I was being forward and suggestive- I didn't say anything to him that I wouldn't have said to my brother's girlfriend, or my best friend's ex-husband, or anyone for that matter.
So I deleted and blocked both of them. I'm currently not speaking to her- I feel she owes me an apology for her slander. She says that he also feels I was being suggestive, but I can't imagine why someone would take offense to me caring about them. And if that IS true, and he thinks that my comments were out of line, then the two crazies deserve each other.
10/17/12
A semi-honest update
Well, it's been awhile since I've been on here. There have been a lot of things going on, but nothing I wasn't mum about. However, I'm running out of stupid things to say to fill the space of what I don't say, so here goes.
First, I'd like to come clean about my mental health. I'm battling depression. I've been up and down on the depression roller coaster, and lately it's been down. So much so that I am currently on Zoloft. No, I'm not suicidal. In fact, that's the main reason I put off seeking treatment for so long. I just assumed I was a mega-irritable bitch. But, it turns out that depression can be displayed as anger, and you know what? I feel a million times better on Zoloft. It makes me think that I probably should have been on it for the past two decades! I've been going to weekly therapy sessions, and in those sessions, I've come to my next semi-honest confession.
Things are not great here in mi casa. There are some issues with the husband that I am trying to deal with, but getting a lot of push-back as to whether anything is actually wrong. I'm coming to terms with the fact that he is controlling and narcissistic, and thinking about whether I want to ride on the highs and lows of his ego cycle for the rest of my life. It's been tough trying to express my feelings when they are invalidated. And it's tough trying to work on a problem that I perceive when he doesn't.
Things with the kids are okay. JC is now three and acting completely irrational. LB has been making strides in OT and at school, though there are still some problematic behaviors. I've put potty training on the waaaaay back burner- seriously, there's enough to worry about than to throw in forcing the toilet on a kid who's perfectly content to pee and poop in his pants.
Next semi-honest confession, this stupid truck is breaking our bank. Really. Just paying the bills, and after putting aside money for diesel and groceries, it leaves not a lot at all. The $1K truck payment is just too much, but I'm the only one that thinks so.
Another confession, I'm starting to hate the gym. I don't feel good finishing up a workout- I feel resentful. After a particularly nasty argument, the husband imposed a three month plan on me, which involves five days a week of working out (and he means working out HARD), two hours a day of alone time, and limiting the internet to 1 hour a day. I laughed about the alone time (with kids? Psh!) and the limitations on internet usage, but the gym thing bothered me. He feels he can "cure" my depression with the gym, and my body in general has been a hot button issue for us. Twenty pounds ago, just after we were married, he said that he wasn't attracted to my any more because I had gained five pounds. Now, he keeps pushing the gym more and more, and the more he pushes, the more I hate it and don't want to go.
So there you have it, and now you know why I've been quiet for the past few months!
First, I'd like to come clean about my mental health. I'm battling depression. I've been up and down on the depression roller coaster, and lately it's been down. So much so that I am currently on Zoloft. No, I'm not suicidal. In fact, that's the main reason I put off seeking treatment for so long. I just assumed I was a mega-irritable bitch. But, it turns out that depression can be displayed as anger, and you know what? I feel a million times better on Zoloft. It makes me think that I probably should have been on it for the past two decades! I've been going to weekly therapy sessions, and in those sessions, I've come to my next semi-honest confession.
Things are not great here in mi casa. There are some issues with the husband that I am trying to deal with, but getting a lot of push-back as to whether anything is actually wrong. I'm coming to terms with the fact that he is controlling and narcissistic, and thinking about whether I want to ride on the highs and lows of his ego cycle for the rest of my life. It's been tough trying to express my feelings when they are invalidated. And it's tough trying to work on a problem that I perceive when he doesn't.
Things with the kids are okay. JC is now three and acting completely irrational. LB has been making strides in OT and at school, though there are still some problematic behaviors. I've put potty training on the waaaaay back burner- seriously, there's enough to worry about than to throw in forcing the toilet on a kid who's perfectly content to pee and poop in his pants.
Next semi-honest confession, this stupid truck is breaking our bank. Really. Just paying the bills, and after putting aside money for diesel and groceries, it leaves not a lot at all. The $1K truck payment is just too much, but I'm the only one that thinks so.
Another confession, I'm starting to hate the gym. I don't feel good finishing up a workout- I feel resentful. After a particularly nasty argument, the husband imposed a three month plan on me, which involves five days a week of working out (and he means working out HARD), two hours a day of alone time, and limiting the internet to 1 hour a day. I laughed about the alone time (with kids? Psh!) and the limitations on internet usage, but the gym thing bothered me. He feels he can "cure" my depression with the gym, and my body in general has been a hot button issue for us. Twenty pounds ago, just after we were married, he said that he wasn't attracted to my any more because I had gained five pounds. Now, he keeps pushing the gym more and more, and the more he pushes, the more I hate it and don't want to go.
So there you have it, and now you know why I've been quiet for the past few months!
10/16/12
Real stupid stuff
Have you ever done something pretty dumb? Like, really, really stupid? Like the time I swiped Cascade off the kitchen counter thinking I had dripped blue cookie icing? I have another....
My Clinique make up remover cream is in a small, light green bottle. My Fekkai hair glossing cream is also in a small, light green bottle. They are both even the same shape. And, since I am glasses-free when taking off my eye make up, guess what I did. Really, guess. I'll give you some time....
Did you guess that I'd rub hair glossing cream all over my eyes? Yes? Then you'd be absolutely right. Oh, and btw, rubbing hair stuff purposefully into your eyes really effing stings.
My Clinique make up remover cream is in a small, light green bottle. My Fekkai hair glossing cream is also in a small, light green bottle. They are both even the same shape. And, since I am glasses-free when taking off my eye make up, guess what I did. Really, guess. I'll give you some time....
Did you guess that I'd rub hair glossing cream all over my eyes? Yes? Then you'd be absolutely right. Oh, and btw, rubbing hair stuff purposefully into your eyes really effing stings.
10/15/12
I am all shades of awesome
I designed the pattern and hand stitched this in two days for LB's Halloween costume. Didn't think it would look anything like an eagle, but I surprised myself!
9/20/12
Hi
I've been a bad blogger. Bad, bad, bad. But I've been busy.
Things are going. Hubby is getting better, LB is doing okay in school (NOT great, but okay), and JC is giving me crap about potty training. It's the same old, same old. So instead of rehashing my life, I'd like to talk about other things I'm looking forward to.
1. Oktoberfest! SOSA is putting on an Oktoberfest soon, and I can't wait! I'm involved with setting up and take down, plus baked beans and pouring beer. I'm so excited. :)
2. My cousin's wedding! I can't wait to see my fam again, and I'm so happy that my cousin is finally happy.
3. The return of Mad Men. When is that? Whenever it is, I will be glued to my tv screen. And, while we're talking about tv, the return of Saturday Night Live.
4. Starbucks Pumpkin Spice Lattes. Sorry Dunks, I need my autumnal coffee fix, and since there are no Dunks here, I have gone over to the dark side and become a Starbucks frequenter.
5. Leaf peeping. I love autumn. LOVE it!
What are you psyched about??
Things are going. Hubby is getting better, LB is doing okay in school (NOT great, but okay), and JC is giving me crap about potty training. It's the same old, same old. So instead of rehashing my life, I'd like to talk about other things I'm looking forward to.
1. Oktoberfest! SOSA is putting on an Oktoberfest soon, and I can't wait! I'm involved with setting up and take down, plus baked beans and pouring beer. I'm so excited. :)
2. My cousin's wedding! I can't wait to see my fam again, and I'm so happy that my cousin is finally happy.
3. The return of Mad Men. When is that? Whenever it is, I will be glued to my tv screen. And, while we're talking about tv, the return of Saturday Night Live.
4. Starbucks Pumpkin Spice Lattes. Sorry Dunks, I need my autumnal coffee fix, and since there are no Dunks here, I have gone over to the dark side and become a Starbucks frequenter.
5. Leaf peeping. I love autumn. LOVE it!
What are you psyched about??
9/12/12
Today's the day
Hubby had his microdiscectomy today. Wahoo!
He's staying over at the hospital, so I have a rare night alone (without a deployment) in the house. I just may shower. And paint my nails. Anyway, tomorrow he'll be home and he can rest up, then start thinking about recovery.
I'm just super glad this is almost over with. At least, the progress that we had no control over. Finally, someone is giving him the tools to move forward in recovery... it sucks that those "tools" were back surgery, but at least he can stop thinking about what he can't do on a daily basis and think more about what he can do.
The kiddos were great. Really. For a four year old and almost-three year old, they were angels. I was super thankful, so I got them Happy Meals for dinner, and they're staying up an extra half hour to watch Pocoyo. That show.... they just love it. It makes them roll with laughter. So cute.
Anyway, so that's what's up! And I apologize if I'm just lurking for a few days...er, probably weeks. It's just going to be really busy for me around here!
He's staying over at the hospital, so I have a rare night alone (without a deployment) in the house. I just may shower. And paint my nails. Anyway, tomorrow he'll be home and he can rest up, then start thinking about recovery.
I'm just super glad this is almost over with. At least, the progress that we had no control over. Finally, someone is giving him the tools to move forward in recovery... it sucks that those "tools" were back surgery, but at least he can stop thinking about what he can't do on a daily basis and think more about what he can do.
The kiddos were great. Really. For a four year old and almost-three year old, they were angels. I was super thankful, so I got them Happy Meals for dinner, and they're staying up an extra half hour to watch Pocoyo. That show.... they just love it. It makes them roll with laughter. So cute.
Anyway, so that's what's up! And I apologize if I'm just lurking for a few days...er, probably weeks. It's just going to be really busy for me around here!
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