I read an article recently about a woman whose boyfriend had told her that he desired her less because she had gained weight. She went into great detail about how she was hurt and had an anxiety attack, but eventually agreed with him, saying that it was unfair to people in general to attract a SO with their body, then deny that feeling ever existed.
I wanted to believe her. Really. I wanted to think that something like this could be resolved by something so easy. Losing weight is difficult, but it's not as difficult to deal with as, for example, emotional baggage or abuse. But she hit the nail on the head when she said it seemed so "conditional."
So that got me thinking: which relationships are conditional or unconditional, and should the all-important one of a SO be conditional or unconditional? I realized that her weight had little to do with her SO's feelings, and more to do with his "love" for her.
To me, unconditional love is "I care about how you feel." Conditional love is "I care about how you make me feel." It's more selfish than unconditional. Was this guy being selfish by telling his gf that he wasn't attracted to her because she had put on weight? Probably. He was thinking about himself and not her.
Which made me analyze my relationships in my life. Did I have any unconditional love?
My first thought was my family. No matter what I've done or said, they love me and tell me that and show it all the time. I feel that is unconditional love. They may not like everything I've done or said, but they make an effort to forgive and love me in spite of it.
My second thought was my friend GA. We'd been friends since middle school. There are times we have disagreed on major topics, but we've been respectful enough to express our views, listen to the other, then agree to disagree. I can't think of a time we've had a huge fight, or any time we've ever said or done something hurtful to each other. We think of each other all the time, and that I feel is also unconditional love.
Then I thought of Hubby. I wondered why I thought of him third... I always thought we had unconditional love for each other, but when I reflect back, there have been times I have felt conditionally loved. They involved major disagreements, usually about my weight, and it felt extremely similar to what the author of the article had written. So was this a bad thing, that we had unconditional love at times and conditional love at times?
At first, I thought yes, it was bad. Husbands and wives should love their SO no matter what. But these relationships are not the same as any other because of the intimacy factor. Should that necessarily change the love we receive? I don't know. But I do know that he has never put conditions on me as a person. Maybe it's okay to have conditional love on a superficial level with your SO... after all, it's not like your other relationships see you nekkid.
But what will it take for a SO to love you unconditionally? Is that only reserved for the supermodels of the world? What about the rest of us average people?
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I think that no matter what we are all human and we feel emotional about shallow things, like weight gain. Those feelings are conditional and biased and subjective and normal. However, when it comes to maintaining a healthy friendship or marriage or any relationship, a person has to know the DIFFERENCE between unconditional and conditional love and then CHOOSE which to apply. Anyone with a conscience is aware that CONDITIONAL love will be harmful and hurtful and will not be in the best interest of anyone other than themselves or at best, a mediocre relationship. On the other hand, UNCONDITIONAL love stands the test of TIME. A relationship such as a marriage has no choice but to stand the test of time if you do indeed believe in marriage - why get married at all if you don't believe in FOREVER, right?? So to uphold that you have to make a choice to love unconditionally and then do so until death do you part.
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