1. My mom's in the hospital. Nothing serious (I hope)- a very bad case of vertigo. So far, the MRI hasn't shown anything, so that's great news... it just sucks that they still don't know why she's feeling this way.
2. I had the best massage today at the Y. This guy must have been very studious in anatomy class, because he knew every little muscle, ligament, whatnot in the body, and how they interact, and why I've been in pain. I barely had to say anything, and he'd press on a spot in my hip and nearly knock my socks off. I feel friggin amazing- no hip popping and cracking, no pain, just a feeling of... normalcy. Feeling like I'm back to me. Definitely going to go back!
3. Poor LB... he has such a hard time with transitions. I had to literally drag him out of the Y childcare on Monday, kicking and screaming and throwing a huge tantrum. It took awhile for him to calm down, since he had started hyperventilating. So today, I talked with him before we went in about what was going to happen, how long he'd be there, and what he was supposed to do when I came to pick him up.... then I crossed my fingers. *Big sigh of relief* It worked. No tears, no screaming, no kicking, no flailing, no head-banging (yeah, I thought we were past this, but we're not). Just a very calm little boy who walked up to me on his own. So today was a winner in that respect.
4. I mowed and trimmed the lawn... and ended up with an itchy, sore throat, itchy & red eyes, a sneezing fit, and a red, itchy rash on my arms. Okay, I give up. Apparently, I'm allergic to anything that is green and grows outside. That sucks. I think it is time to call a lawn maintenance company to take care of the yard work. Does anyone else get this done? It just feels so ..... pretentious.
5. Eh, can't say it.
6. First day of summer, yay! So why is it going to be in the 50s and rainy this weekend?? Anyone care to tell me when summer starts around here? I understand it's the PNW and all, but it's June 20th.
I hope you all are having a wonderful first day of summer!
6/16/12
Am I supposed to be floundering?
It seems like people ask me all the time, "How are you doing with the deployment? Do you need anything? Is everything going okay? Are you doing okay?" I feel like they're waiting for me to break down in tears, complaining about how I don't know what I'm doing and that I need so much help and how much I miss my husband.
I do miss my husband. But I know what I'm doing, and I really don't need help. Okay, that's a teensy lie. It would be super nice if someone could take care of the yardwork, because I really hate doing it. But it's not like I don't know how to operate the weed whacker. And it's not like I can't take care of the vehicles or the children or the house. In fact, things seem to have gotten a tiny bit easier. There's no grown-man mouth to feed. The laundry situation is way more under control. And it's really nice knowing that someone isn't going to spend $400 at West Marine every few days. I just want to say to those people, "Honestly, I got this."
Is this how people see military wives?? I hear from lots of people, "Oh, you military wives are so strong, I couldn't last two weeks without my husband", then the next minute, they're asking me if anything is wrong. It seems like they don't really believe that we can handle it- it's just something PC for them to say. I think they honestly believe that military wives are lost without their husbands.
What's your take? If you're a milspouse, do you feel freaked out at the prospect of doing it alone? Or do you feel like it's an opportunity to assert your independence? And if you're a civilian, how do you honestly view military wives- strong, independent women who can hold down the fort, or emotional wrecks that rely on everyone but themselves to function?
I do miss my husband. But I know what I'm doing, and I really don't need help. Okay, that's a teensy lie. It would be super nice if someone could take care of the yardwork, because I really hate doing it. But it's not like I don't know how to operate the weed whacker. And it's not like I can't take care of the vehicles or the children or the house. In fact, things seem to have gotten a tiny bit easier. There's no grown-man mouth to feed. The laundry situation is way more under control. And it's really nice knowing that someone isn't going to spend $400 at West Marine every few days. I just want to say to those people, "Honestly, I got this."
Is this how people see military wives?? I hear from lots of people, "Oh, you military wives are so strong, I couldn't last two weeks without my husband", then the next minute, they're asking me if anything is wrong. It seems like they don't really believe that we can handle it- it's just something PC for them to say. I think they honestly believe that military wives are lost without their husbands.
What's your take? If you're a milspouse, do you feel freaked out at the prospect of doing it alone? Or do you feel like it's an opportunity to assert your independence? And if you're a civilian, how do you honestly view military wives- strong, independent women who can hold down the fort, or emotional wrecks that rely on everyone but themselves to function?
6/9/12
ON it!
Hubby deployed today. For some reason, there's something motivating about that. I've been making a ton of lists and charts to help me accomplish some of my deployment goals (it will be a short one, which is why I think I feel the need to get crackin')...
1. Work on my fitness. Duh. A constant goal.
2. Plan & book a hot springs get-away for after he gets back. Yes, he knows about it, but I'd like for him to come home and have everything planned and paid for and ready to go.
3. Clean up our backyard. Weed effing central. It needs a lot of TLC, and I'd like to make it all romantic by stringing some outdoor lights under the canopy.
4. Put plates and base stickers on all his vehicles & toys.
5. Sign the kids up for parks and rec stuff to keep them busy. For LB, there's a weekly soccer class, which I think he'd love. The kid has a knack for the sport. Poor JC- there's not much offered for his age group, but we have the Y.
6. Send a care package through AnySailor. You subby wives know that the wife can't do much for the husband when he's deployed. This makes me feel like I can help in some way. Besides, my cousin's husband is soon headed to Afghanistan, so I'll be sending lots of care packages!
7. Get the ball rolling on a plastic surgeon to fix the diastasis recti and get a tummy tuck.
I made a three month calendar for the boys. LB said he wanted to put heart stickers on the days that Daddy is gone. I also covered my calendar in things to do that Hubby spelled out for me (run the truck every two weeks-ish, check on the boat, where to find the weedwhacker stuff, etc). The house is a mess, there's crap everywhere, but I feel better with a plan. I might have overdone it with the lists (weekly cleaning check list, the never-ending Things To Do list, weight chart, kid chore chart...), but I feel in control. It's nice. :)
Here's to a quick and productive deployment!
1. Work on my fitness. Duh. A constant goal.
2. Plan & book a hot springs get-away for after he gets back. Yes, he knows about it, but I'd like for him to come home and have everything planned and paid for and ready to go.
3. Clean up our backyard. Weed effing central. It needs a lot of TLC, and I'd like to make it all romantic by stringing some outdoor lights under the canopy.
4. Put plates and base stickers on all his vehicles & toys.
5. Sign the kids up for parks and rec stuff to keep them busy. For LB, there's a weekly soccer class, which I think he'd love. The kid has a knack for the sport. Poor JC- there's not much offered for his age group, but we have the Y.
6. Send a care package through AnySailor. You subby wives know that the wife can't do much for the husband when he's deployed. This makes me feel like I can help in some way. Besides, my cousin's husband is soon headed to Afghanistan, so I'll be sending lots of care packages!
7. Get the ball rolling on a plastic surgeon to fix the diastasis recti and get a tummy tuck.
I made a three month calendar for the boys. LB said he wanted to put heart stickers on the days that Daddy is gone. I also covered my calendar in things to do that Hubby spelled out for me (run the truck every two weeks-ish, check on the boat, where to find the weedwhacker stuff, etc). The house is a mess, there's crap everywhere, but I feel better with a plan. I might have overdone it with the lists (weekly cleaning check list, the never-ending Things To Do list, weight chart, kid chore chart...), but I feel in control. It's nice. :)
Here's to a quick and productive deployment!
6/7/12
Better
Yesterday, I cried in front of the husband. Couldn't help it. LB has been telling me over and over that he's running away and wishes I would disappear and never come back. After we got back from Pizza Hut, I went into the office with my laptop and googled "my son hates me". Turns out, it's very common with autistic kids, since they have trouble seeing positive tokens, but focus on negative tokens. Doesn't make it any better. I hid in the office and ignored Hubby until it was time for us to go to bed. Just me, alone. Oh, and I also plucked my eyebrows, since (again) I can't remember the last time I did that.
Today, I made pancakes for the boys and they gobbled them up. I've tried to talk as less as possible, just letting them have their day and me have mine. They were even in pajamas until noon. It's been rainy and cold here, so who cares anyway. I was able to enjoy not one, but two cups of coffee in peace. Oh, and I've stopped making compromises on my coffee. Folgers is okay, but Gevalia is divine and I deserve it. By the way, their house blend is excellent, but I also received a big discount through their website, so I ordered five different flavors to try. Yum! I'm looking forward to them already! (I was not paid to say nice things about Gevalia... I don't use the blog to make money, just to vent and save my sanity, so whatever nice things I say are genuine and not bought)
I stood in front of my sheet music last night and stared at it. There was a time where I would look at those pages every day, reading the music and making notes on how to play it better. Not a day went by without studying pages of music. Now, it seems like a completely different life. It was too late to start practicing last night, but I will pull out those sheets again.
I'm gradually doing better at focusing on what makes me happy. Starting small- time alone, personal hygiene, and a hot cup of coffee. Now, maybe a little practice session is in order. The boys are playing video games (permissible on cold, rainy June days)- hopefully it keeps their attention so I can play in peace!
Today, I made pancakes for the boys and they gobbled them up. I've tried to talk as less as possible, just letting them have their day and me have mine. They were even in pajamas until noon. It's been rainy and cold here, so who cares anyway. I was able to enjoy not one, but two cups of coffee in peace. Oh, and I've stopped making compromises on my coffee. Folgers is okay, but Gevalia is divine and I deserve it. By the way, their house blend is excellent, but I also received a big discount through their website, so I ordered five different flavors to try. Yum! I'm looking forward to them already! (I was not paid to say nice things about Gevalia... I don't use the blog to make money, just to vent and save my sanity, so whatever nice things I say are genuine and not bought)
I stood in front of my sheet music last night and stared at it. There was a time where I would look at those pages every day, reading the music and making notes on how to play it better. Not a day went by without studying pages of music. Now, it seems like a completely different life. It was too late to start practicing last night, but I will pull out those sheets again.
I'm gradually doing better at focusing on what makes me happy. Starting small- time alone, personal hygiene, and a hot cup of coffee. Now, maybe a little practice session is in order. The boys are playing video games (permissible on cold, rainy June days)- hopefully it keeps their attention so I can play in peace!
6/5/12
If Mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy.
I've been in a funk. Feeling uninspired... stuck... feeling like the days are so long, but I don't have any time to do what I want. And the impending lifestyle change, aka deployment, will not help at all.
I read an article about personal needs vs personal values. And based on the questions (Do you wake up thinking, do I have to do this again today? Do you feeling like something is missing? Do you feel unappreciated? Are you saying you want to lose weight, but you are eating chocolate candy every day and not sure why you can't stop?... um, yes to all), my personal needs and personal values are out of whack.
Taking a look at just personal needs, it's very obvious why I'm in a funk. I think most mothers of little ones agree that personal needs often take a backseat, and more effort needs to be put in to see them met. For example, after my shower yesterday, which was the first in three days, I noticed I hadn't cut my toenails in forever. I could remember the last time I cut the boys', but not my own. Yikes. And gross.
The article suggested determining the needs that are driving you. I think my most important need is to be recognized as me, a human being, not some Mom-bot. For most of my day, I'm viewed by my children as "Mommy, the provider". I'm a person who sees that their needs are met, and because they are preschoolers, they are not in a position to reciprocate and see that my needs are met. I understand that, though it's immensely frustrating. I rely on Hubby for that kind of recognition, but between getting ready for deployment, on top of a time-consuming job in port, there's little time for him to fulfill any personal needs I ask of him. (That's not a get-out-of-jail-free card. As a husband, he has some responsibility to fulfill some of my personal needs, like I have a responsibility to fulfill some of his. My point is that by the time we have time alone, we're both too exhausted to do anything but veg on the couch)
Another personal need that I have to recognize is needing more time alone. I've always enjoyed being by myself, whether it's going out and wandering downtown or reading or painting my nails. None of that can be done alone as a SAHM to little boys, and Hubby's usually home late enough for me to feel guilty bailing on him. I should stop feeling guilty... though it's hard when I have a limited number of days with him. One of my solutions to this is finding a reliable babysitter. That has its own challenges, as sitters aren't typically experienced in Aspergers and autism, which makes me feel uncomfortable about leaving the boys with them, and also makes many of them not willing to babysit for us again.
That last personal need bleeds into personal values, things I have always liked to do as a child, teenager, or adult. Music has taken a backseat, bigtime. The boys cannot be trusted around my instruments, even when I'm playing them (sticking their little fingers in the hole at the end of my flute may be cute, but it messes up my embouchure and breaks my concentration, making me pissy). It's also insanely frustrating to stop every minute or two to break up a fight or put someone in time-out. Continuity of concentration is key for me... some people feel okay parenting and practicing at the same time, but it just makes me feel more agitated and angry. I like to take my music seriously, and that can't be done with all the kid commotion that comes with two little boys.
I used to read all the time as a kid. I can't remember the last book I read for pleasure. Sad. That personal value might actually improve with deployment, as I can sit down a read a good book without feeling guilty about ignoring Hubby.
The Y is a wonderful outlet for my personal value of getting into shape, and fulfills my personal need of time alone.
And even though I enjoy and value my alone time, I also value friendships and having personal connections with people. It's easier to bond with other women with kids, but I enjoy those friendships without the kids, too. Having a standing girls' night might help... though finding a reliable sitter is key to that, too.
I have a lot of reflecting and work to do to get myself out of this rut, especially without Hubby's help. It's going to take a lot of planning, but it's essential to getting "me" back. Being "LB & JC's Mom" is okay, but I can't only be that.
I read an article about personal needs vs personal values. And based on the questions (Do you wake up thinking, do I have to do this again today? Do you feeling like something is missing? Do you feel unappreciated? Are you saying you want to lose weight, but you are eating chocolate candy every day and not sure why you can't stop?... um, yes to all), my personal needs and personal values are out of whack.
Taking a look at just personal needs, it's very obvious why I'm in a funk. I think most mothers of little ones agree that personal needs often take a backseat, and more effort needs to be put in to see them met. For example, after my shower yesterday, which was the first in three days, I noticed I hadn't cut my toenails in forever. I could remember the last time I cut the boys', but not my own. Yikes. And gross.
The article suggested determining the needs that are driving you. I think my most important need is to be recognized as me, a human being, not some Mom-bot. For most of my day, I'm viewed by my children as "Mommy, the provider". I'm a person who sees that their needs are met, and because they are preschoolers, they are not in a position to reciprocate and see that my needs are met. I understand that, though it's immensely frustrating. I rely on Hubby for that kind of recognition, but between getting ready for deployment, on top of a time-consuming job in port, there's little time for him to fulfill any personal needs I ask of him. (That's not a get-out-of-jail-free card. As a husband, he has some responsibility to fulfill some of my personal needs, like I have a responsibility to fulfill some of his. My point is that by the time we have time alone, we're both too exhausted to do anything but veg on the couch)
Another personal need that I have to recognize is needing more time alone. I've always enjoyed being by myself, whether it's going out and wandering downtown or reading or painting my nails. None of that can be done alone as a SAHM to little boys, and Hubby's usually home late enough for me to feel guilty bailing on him. I should stop feeling guilty... though it's hard when I have a limited number of days with him. One of my solutions to this is finding a reliable babysitter. That has its own challenges, as sitters aren't typically experienced in Aspergers and autism, which makes me feel uncomfortable about leaving the boys with them, and also makes many of them not willing to babysit for us again.
That last personal need bleeds into personal values, things I have always liked to do as a child, teenager, or adult. Music has taken a backseat, bigtime. The boys cannot be trusted around my instruments, even when I'm playing them (sticking their little fingers in the hole at the end of my flute may be cute, but it messes up my embouchure and breaks my concentration, making me pissy). It's also insanely frustrating to stop every minute or two to break up a fight or put someone in time-out. Continuity of concentration is key for me... some people feel okay parenting and practicing at the same time, but it just makes me feel more agitated and angry. I like to take my music seriously, and that can't be done with all the kid commotion that comes with two little boys.
I used to read all the time as a kid. I can't remember the last book I read for pleasure. Sad. That personal value might actually improve with deployment, as I can sit down a read a good book without feeling guilty about ignoring Hubby.
The Y is a wonderful outlet for my personal value of getting into shape, and fulfills my personal need of time alone.
And even though I enjoy and value my alone time, I also value friendships and having personal connections with people. It's easier to bond with other women with kids, but I enjoy those friendships without the kids, too. Having a standing girls' night might help... though finding a reliable sitter is key to that, too.
I have a lot of reflecting and work to do to get myself out of this rut, especially without Hubby's help. It's going to take a lot of planning, but it's essential to getting "me" back. Being "LB & JC's Mom" is okay, but I can't only be that.
6/2/12
Ohmmmmm...
I vacuumed, cleaned, did laundry, etc... but nothing was giving me a sense of accomplishment. Then, I discovered the reason why- the toy room.
You see, the kids have a downstairs room all to themselves to house their immense collection of toys (which, admittedly, sits unused a lot of the time, making it all that much more painful to see). It's nice because it's not on the main floor of the house, so the mess can be contained. Oh, but what a mess... And, it's the first thing you see when you come into the house from the garage. "Oh, welcome home! You had a horrible DMV experience with two insane children?? Let me remind you of even more shit awaiting for you!"
So today, I banished the boys from the toy room (because they weren't helping so much as playing with everything I had just put away) and went to town, armed with two bags intended for Goodwill & the trash. Things are now put away, and all the little pieces that were strewn across the floor now have a home. And, the best part, there's a pile of stuff I'm about to put in the back of my car and donate.
Don't think that I'm a horrible person, throwing the kids' toys away. They have PLENTY. Really. This stuff that I'm donating are things that they never use any more, or are broken (one bag to donate, one bag to throw out). And, I feel so. much. better. And I'm sure they do too, now that they can find the toys they want.
What sort of cleaning do you do that gives you the biggest sense of accomplishment??
You see, the kids have a downstairs room all to themselves to house their immense collection of toys (which, admittedly, sits unused a lot of the time, making it all that much more painful to see). It's nice because it's not on the main floor of the house, so the mess can be contained. Oh, but what a mess... And, it's the first thing you see when you come into the house from the garage. "Oh, welcome home! You had a horrible DMV experience with two insane children?? Let me remind you of even more shit awaiting for you!"
So today, I banished the boys from the toy room (because they weren't helping so much as playing with everything I had just put away) and went to town, armed with two bags intended for Goodwill & the trash. Things are now put away, and all the little pieces that were strewn across the floor now have a home. And, the best part, there's a pile of stuff I'm about to put in the back of my car and donate.
Don't think that I'm a horrible person, throwing the kids' toys away. They have PLENTY. Really. This stuff that I'm donating are things that they never use any more, or are broken (one bag to donate, one bag to throw out). And, I feel so. much. better. And I'm sure they do too, now that they can find the toys they want.
What sort of cleaning do you do that gives you the biggest sense of accomplishment??
6/1/12
June Milspouse Friday Fill-in
1. What’s one thing in the past month you would have changed?
LB's diagnosis of ASD.
2. What was your favorite thing that happened in May?
LB's diagnosis of ASD. It's a double-edged sword... it sucks that he will have to deal with Aspergers for his entire life, but it allows us to get the help he needs, which means he'll be able to deal with it quicker and better.
3. June includes the first day of summer… what are your plans for the summer?
My plans? I don't have many. I will be dealing with a deployment most of the summer... and fall... and part of the winter. The rest of this year will be very light on husband interaction. :( But we're taking advantage of our remaining free time! This weekend, we will be journeying out to Forks for some cheesy Twilight tourism. I'm pretty sure you can buy a Werewolf Burger or a Cullen Clam Chowder, followed up by a Bella Banana Split.
4. Do you use the services on base (gym, financial planning, family services, daycare)? And if so, what’s your favorite one? (thanks to Shanon at Modern Meets Traditional for this question!)
I would like to! Really, I would. But the drop-in child care is almost always full, even when I call several weeks in advance. Which means, I don't use the gym (we have a Y membership, anyway, that we love). I barely even shop at the commissary or exchange any more, since discovering extreme couponing. I mostly go on base for the SOSA meetings.
5. What are you looking forward to in June?
Warmer weather and deployment... deployment only because we're at the point where waiting for it is so much worse than actually saying goodbye.
LB's diagnosis of ASD.
2. What was your favorite thing that happened in May?
LB's diagnosis of ASD. It's a double-edged sword... it sucks that he will have to deal with Aspergers for his entire life, but it allows us to get the help he needs, which means he'll be able to deal with it quicker and better.
3. June includes the first day of summer… what are your plans for the summer?
My plans? I don't have many. I will be dealing with a deployment most of the summer... and fall... and part of the winter. The rest of this year will be very light on husband interaction. :( But we're taking advantage of our remaining free time! This weekend, we will be journeying out to Forks for some cheesy Twilight tourism. I'm pretty sure you can buy a Werewolf Burger or a Cullen Clam Chowder, followed up by a Bella Banana Split.
4. Do you use the services on base (gym, financial planning, family services, daycare)? And if so, what’s your favorite one? (thanks to Shanon at Modern Meets Traditional for this question!)
I would like to! Really, I would. But the drop-in child care is almost always full, even when I call several weeks in advance. Which means, I don't use the gym (we have a Y membership, anyway, that we love). I barely even shop at the commissary or exchange any more, since discovering extreme couponing. I mostly go on base for the SOSA meetings.
5. What are you looking forward to in June?
Warmer weather and deployment... deployment only because we're at the point where waiting for it is so much worse than actually saying goodbye.
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