Better

Yesterday, I cried in front of the husband.  Couldn't help it.  LB has been telling me over and over that he's running away and wishes I would disappear and never come back.  After we got back from Pizza Hut, I went into the office with my laptop and googled "my son hates me".  Turns out, it's very common with autistic kids, since they have trouble seeing positive tokens, but focus on negative tokens.  Doesn't make it any better.  I hid in the office and ignored Hubby until it was time for us to go to bed.  Just me, alone.  Oh, and I also plucked my eyebrows, since (again) I can't remember the last time I did that.

Today, I made pancakes for the boys and they gobbled them up.  I've tried to talk as less as possible, just letting them have their day and me have mine.  They were even in pajamas until noon.  It's been rainy and cold here, so who cares anyway.  I was able to enjoy not one, but two cups of coffee in peace.  Oh, and I've stopped making compromises on my coffee.  Folgers is okay, but Gevalia is divine and I deserve it.  By the way, their house blend is excellent, but I also received a big discount through their website, so I ordered five different flavors to try.  Yum!  I'm looking forward to them already!  (I was not paid to say nice things about Gevalia... I don't use the blog to make money, just to vent and save my sanity, so whatever nice things I say are genuine and not bought)

I stood in front of my sheet music last night and stared at it.  There was a time where I would look at those pages every day, reading the music and making notes on how to play it better.  Not a day went by without studying pages of music.  Now, it seems like a completely different life.  It was too late to start practicing last night, but I will pull out those sheets again.

I'm gradually doing better at focusing on what makes me happy.  Starting small- time alone, personal hygiene, and a hot cup of coffee.  Now, maybe a little practice session is in order.  The boys are playing video games (permissible on cold, rainy June days)- hopefully it keeps their attention so I can play in peace!