I've been in a funk. Feeling uninspired... stuck... feeling like the days are so long, but I don't have any time to do what I want. And the impending lifestyle change, aka deployment, will not help at all.
I read an article about personal needs vs personal values. And based on the questions (Do you wake up thinking, do I have to do this again today? Do you feeling like something is missing? Do you feel unappreciated? Are you saying you want to lose weight, but you are eating chocolate candy every day and not sure why you can't stop?... um, yes to all), my personal needs and personal values are out of whack.
Taking a look at just personal needs, it's very obvious why I'm in a funk. I think most mothers of little ones agree that personal needs often take a backseat, and more effort needs to be put in to see them met. For example, after my shower yesterday, which was the first in three days, I noticed I hadn't cut my toenails in forever. I could remember the last time I cut the boys', but not my own. Yikes. And gross.
The article suggested determining the needs that are driving you. I think my most important need is to be recognized as me, a human being, not some Mom-bot. For most of my day, I'm viewed by my children as "Mommy, the provider". I'm a person who sees that their needs are met, and because they are preschoolers, they are not in a position to reciprocate and see that my needs are met. I understand that, though it's immensely frustrating. I rely on Hubby for that kind of recognition, but between getting ready for deployment, on top of a time-consuming job in port, there's little time for him to fulfill any personal needs I ask of him. (That's not a get-out-of-jail-free card. As a husband, he has some responsibility to fulfill some of my personal needs, like I have a responsibility to fulfill some of his. My point is that by the time we have time alone, we're both too exhausted to do anything but veg on the couch)
Another personal need that I have to recognize is needing more time alone. I've always enjoyed being by myself, whether it's going out and wandering downtown or reading or painting my nails. None of that can be done alone as a SAHM to little boys, and Hubby's usually home late enough for me to feel guilty bailing on him. I should stop feeling guilty... though it's hard when I have a limited number of days with him. One of my solutions to this is finding a reliable babysitter. That has its own challenges, as sitters aren't typically experienced in Aspergers and autism, which makes me feel uncomfortable about leaving the boys with them, and also makes many of them not willing to babysit for us again.
That last personal need bleeds into personal values, things I have always liked to do as a child, teenager, or adult. Music has taken a backseat, bigtime. The boys cannot be trusted around my instruments, even when I'm playing them (sticking their little fingers in the hole at the end of my flute may be cute, but it messes up my embouchure and breaks my concentration, making me pissy). It's also insanely frustrating to stop every minute or two to break up a fight or put someone in time-out. Continuity of concentration is key for me... some people feel okay parenting and practicing at the same time, but it just makes me feel more agitated and angry. I like to take my music seriously, and that can't be done with all the kid commotion that comes with two little boys.
I used to read all the time as a kid. I can't remember the last book I read for pleasure. Sad. That personal value might actually improve with deployment, as I can sit down a read a good book without feeling guilty about ignoring Hubby.
The Y is a wonderful outlet for my personal value of getting into shape, and fulfills my personal need of time alone.
And even though I enjoy and value my alone time, I also value friendships and having personal connections with people. It's easier to bond with other women with kids, but I enjoy those friendships without the kids, too. Having a standing girls' night might help... though finding a reliable sitter is key to that, too.
I have a lot of reflecting and work to do to get myself out of this rut, especially without Hubby's help. It's going to take a lot of planning, but it's essential to getting "me" back. Being "LB & JC's Mom" is okay, but I can't only be that.
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4 comments:
Time alone is very important to me, as well; I know I would struggle with not being able to get enough of it. I am thinking of you and wishing you the best of luck in finding that balance between all the different hats you wear.
In regards to the connections, have you thought of volunteering? I know both Fleet & Family and NMCRS both pay for daycare, so there's no financial burden (not sure about the EFM aspect though). And depending on what they have you doing, you might get both alone time and some connecting time. Best of luck in finding yourself as YOU once again.
have you thought about trying to find a college student or similar to be a consistent babysitter for your boys? hear me out. i was a nanny for a boy with asberger's for a while in college and the first thing his mom did was give me this huge packet of info about asberger's. once i learned about it and how to interact with him it was great. i really miss that little guy and my time spent with him was very challenging but a learning experience for both of us. just thought i'd throw it out there. :)
Thank you, ladies! I suppose I have a hard time paying for a sitter since I'm a SAHM. I feel like I SHOULD do it all, since that's my job. But I will definitely be scouting sitters. Base hourly care is not an option- every time I call, they're booked solid.
And I thought about NMCRS, since I think they're looking for volunteers here. I'll look into that, too.
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